The Lion’s Den

I love goals- I DON’T dig New Year’s resolutions. They set objectives that are too far off, too easy to forget or put off. What I like to do is set a word of the year.

My word this year was LIONHEARTED.

I thought, “I’m going to overcome my depression, get strong as steel, grow professionally and personally, wise up, live out Deuteronomy 31:6 (my verse for the year) and come out in 2021 swinging!”

Now I get that we are only in September, but I can’t help but take an inventory of my own life and see that I am:

• As depressed if not more so as I was in December
• Jobless during a pandemic
• Facing serious medical issues that affect my day-to-day life
• Have lost friends I never thought would leave
• Am by definition an “achiever” and have nothing to do during the day except binge shows and apply to jobs that don’t want me

This all might sound melodramatic to you, but when your brain already has zero serotonin, it’s incredibly hard to function. Can I get an Amen from the mentally depressed folks in the back?

I’ve struggled with God. I’ve struggled to worship. I’ve struggled to hear people talk about God, pretty much to the point of anger. I know the head answers, but I’m struggling to feel them in my heart.

During therapy today I was crying and raging at God to my counselor and telling him how I was supposed to be this LIONHEARTED person, but all I felt was like the people who I had loved and I trusted most had dragged me and thrown me into the lions den.

The question is: Have the lions devoured me?

Has God truly been faithful in this season, even through the pain and suffering, through the depression, multiple surgeries, cancer scares, job loss that was agonizing..Did it devour me?

It didn’t.

There is no doubt I’m still in the pit. I’m surrounded by lions that are circling me with their mouths glued shut, prowling in circles waiting for my faith to waver, but I have to remember what an angel said to Daniel in chapter 10 (after the den)

“And he said to me, “O Daniel, man greatly loved, understand the words that I speak to you, and stand upright, for now I have been sent to you.” And when he had spoken this word to me, I stood up trembling…Then he said to me, “Fear not, Daniel, for from the first day that you set your heart to understand and humbled yourself before your God, your words have been heard, and I have come because of your words.”
‭‭Daniel‬ ‭10:11-12‬ ‭ESV‬‬

I will leave this pit eventually. There may be other pits down the road with different lions, but I’ll take one at a time. I’m not talking flippantly here, if you’re in your own pit, I’m sorry.

It can seem hopeless. That is a word that has come up a lot in my sessions and with my husband. It’s a scary word, because it implies there is no way out. There are many days I just don’t want to live. You might feel that way, but I want you to know that you are not alone in those feelings. And I am not alone in those feelings. Jesus is knowing to every human emotion we have ever felt, and it is so sweet to know that. In the Garden of Gethsemane Jesus pleaded for God to take the cup from Him. He knows how it feels to want the pain to just be over. But take heart that He has overcome depression, he has overcome the disappointment and sins of this world. He is more reliable than any person we could ever depend upon. He will never throw us into the pit, He will be the one lifting us out.

If you want to chat about your own journey, or respond, you can comment below or dm me on IG at @carlycartmill